Thread:RCM9698/@comment-25132749-20161215190227/@comment-29707934-20170212221138

The main set up kind of remainds me of the Deltora series we used to have in class (elementary school). I can see that you are very focused on the story and  factions. However, a clear lead is really important. It's perfectly alright if a hero ends up saving the a princes, defeats the a dark lord and negotiates a peace treaty between some countues, but you must have a clearcentral goal to explain the protagonists intentions and tie the story together. Otherwise it can quickly become a mess. And if you use multiple factions, it's a good idea to give them a similair goal (they are all fighting over a ancient superweapon for example). For example, I do like what you do with the crystals. You give every faction (except for the corporation, who should become aware of them at some point) a (different) realistic reason for wanting those crystals. I would also give each crystal an ability and personality. Not necessary a nice one, they could be more like vengeful spirits and try to posses the protagonist, influence his decisions or make deals for allowing someone to use their power (memories, sense of taste,...). I would make them more threatning and morally ambiguous characters.

I get that the hero is trying to get away, but delivering weapons and starting a multidimensional war because of a missing grandchild is a bit excessive and not realistic. They just send out peaceful search parties and scouts, not deliver weapons in a multidimensional war. You could say that the magic world was afraid of a search party and some extremists wiped out a part of the corporation with a magic superweapon and wakes the "evil" gods. That is how the war started and now the MC searches for the crystals to stop the universes from destroying each other and to seal the evil gods again. This is obviously just something I came up with while I was typing, but you should tie your goal to the world and the overall conflict in a meaningful way.

The "core theme" doesn't have to be original (in fact, the themes of the best stories tend to be very generic). What I think is a good idea  is that in the second story the father and the son/daughter enter the same world but in a very different way and would most likely have com to have very different views about it. That creates a believable and recognizable emotional conflict (not growing up into something your parents want you to be or to even oppose society and the way things are now in general). Fot that reason, I wouldn't just make them allies with the same goals. A lot of potential is just the possible conflict between the MC and the Aliens/Agency his/her dad works for. In they end you could have them partially accpt/respect each other's ideals and team up to defeat a main villain or something. It's also always interesting to see the struggle between two ideologies and see the character come to terms with the implications and limitations of their own ideals.

Sidenote: personally I really don't like magical girls and I think that's a niche that could possible alienate a part of your audience. I agree with you that seeing a parent and the child both interact with different masquerades can be interesting. It's also a way to explore their characters, more specifically the differences between them.