Thread:RCM9698/@comment-25132749-20161215190227/@comment-29707934-20170213213257

I will write a response as soon as I can, but at the moment I just don't have the necessary time to formulate and write anything decent.

I do like your general idea fot the crystals and their powers. Just don't make space/time too overpowered (place heavy restrictions on them, just like with Esdeath in AGK). I also like the idea that Stacy's mom is an antagonsist. I find her to be a more compelling villain that a supercomputer. She could also be the right-hand woman of the computer. The chips seem to be kind of a story breaker since they render death a lot less meaningfull. Maybe you could say that they are either incredibly expensive or only very few people are compatible. There are plenty of reasons why you could implant less advanced chips with the same tracking function.

I think it would be more interesting if the chips just slowely possesed the owner's body when they were alive, regardless if they die or not. This could also cause people to have two separate persona fight over who controls the body. Basically, demonic possesions with chips. The fact that Stacy's soul was replaced by an AI is  really a bridge to far for me. It's fine if you want to combine magic and technology (the irregular at magic high school does so quite succesfully) but you have to have clearly defined rules for both. That's basic world building, otherwise it just sounds like you are making things up as you go. Things as somehow replacing the human soul (what  is even a soul in the ontext of your phantasy world?) with an AI really doesn't make much sense and sounds ridiculous without an explanation. It's not like they replace her brain with an AI or something, which would make a lot more sense. "Just copey the neural pathways to the chip and link them to the body". That's also science fiction, but it does have some very, very small connection to actual science.

The idea that they are childhood friends but that he was also her servant/son of the servant works. The rest of the relationship sounds like what you would expect from a relationship with a tsundere. The way you describe Stacy with her determination during battles and her gun does remind me of Mine. As for the MC, while I like characters that aren't completely sane, but I greatly dislike dumb characters in general. It can also hinder the plot and annoy the readers if the MC is too much of an idiot. You can make his very dense to the feelings of the people around him, but I wouldn't make him stupid per se. I do think it's an interesting idea that his magic is unstable and that Stacy has to act as his moral compass from time to time. The MC also has a rather detailed backstory which I guess you are going too touch upon when he meets with the Elf King and Queen? I would say that he wasn't aware of his heritage before meeting them. It gives you a dramatic sub-plot and gives Stacy and the MC a chance to grow closer when she helps him deal with the revelation.

I don't have any more time at the moment, but the biggest problem I have is that you are building a very (even overly) complicated world but don't seem to pay enough attention to the basics of world building. You introduce a large variety of species, concepts and even universes. As I said before, we have a gigantic corporation, magic from another universe, a quest, elves, chips that revive the user,... I mean, a part of the plot is: a MC that's part succubus and the son of the Elf King of another universe who runs of with his friend, a girl with a advanced chip in her brain and a AI that replaces her soul who also happens to be the daughter of important members of said corporation. They go on a quest across the universe to aquire mysterious crystals who have powers and happen to be the progenitors of a race. While that happens, a war between the multidimensional supercorporation and the cruel gods of a the fantasy world breaks out. In my opinion that's way too much and it's better to use with a few concepts that work well with each other and fully explore these. I think that makes for a better story than just using lots and lots of completely different concepts without thoroughly explaning or exploring them. Harry Potter or the Lord of the Rings didn't also incluse an alien invasion, the Titanic, animal cruelty and  a struggle between religious cults.

I wouldn't add to many characters or factions unless they have a clear purpose. However I like the biblical reference with the snake called Sin. And since I'am not a religious person, I guess that most people will catch it. Based on the set up, your plot becomes a war between 2 factions with multiple sub-factions, so the role of your Hero should be really clear in this concept. What draws someone who runs away with a friend, also a teenager, to risk their lives in a conflict that reaches across dimensions? I do like that while both factions started with noble intentions, they both became corrupt in the process. It really shows their similarity, and that the main difference is the way they reach their goals.

I like that both the father and the child work for different organizations. It makes it easier to set up a conflict between them. I also like that the organizations aren't created for exactly the same purpose, since it allows for more variety in technology and villains. Both also have a legitimate reason to dislike each other. I find the running joke to be very funny, especially since it does make a lot of sense. History is written by the victor so altering it to better suit your narrative as an organization makes a lot of sense for both of them. While I like MAJESTIC, I wouldn't add 12 unless their is an actual reason for it (and very good, since it sounds much cooler and more official without it). I find the "supernatural Committe" to be a rather lame and unoriginal name to be honest. Once again, I would really use children with magic powers as you described (shrine maiden,...) instead of magical girls. That's really a niche and off-putting for many people (including me, to be honest).